And it resurfaced again last night as we watched Elder Rasband's CES fireside last night on the importance of friendship and having good mentors. Every time there is a lesson or talk on friendship, I come to the same unavoidable conclusion:
I am a bad friend.
I am being serious. I really honestly struggle with moving past the superficial in my everyday acquaintances. I can feel myself close up, build walls, and avoid commitment while having conversations with people. All the time. I struggle to pinpoint just why I do it. Afraid of being hurt? Afraid of offending people? Afraid that all I'm really doing is bothering people? Afraid people will think I'm crazy? Afraid of the expectations associated? All of the above?
And yet, I really want friends. Now I know I have friends. Most of you who read my blog are my friends from one time or another, and I don't mean to diminish that at all. I love you, and I treasure your friendship in my life.
But I still can't escape the fact that I am not good at emailing, calling, or spending time with you. I'm not even very good at leaving comments on your blogs (although thanks to google reader I'm pretty good at reading them!) Most of you, however, don't live near me anymore, making it harder. (Tede Baker why don't you live in Cedar City? Oh the fun we could have!)
Right before I moved to Blanding (about two and half years ago) my dad gave me a father's blessing in which he told me I would make life-long friends while living there. I remember holding on to that promise for months when it seemed so out of reach. It took me, literally, months and months to make some of those friendships. It was hard.
Maybe because I'm so independent? It scares me to become vulnerable enough to really open up to people. But I don't feel like I'm a superficial person. I try really hard to be myself and to not worry about what people think. Sigh.
Anyhow, I did make some wonderful friends in Blanding. Now it's been a year and a half since moving to Cedar, and I still mostly feel like I have a lot of acquaintances here. Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful people here whom I just love (Niki, I love you dearly, and I hope you know it); people whom I love to run into and chat with in the grocery store, love to do things for, love to see at church. But all the time feel myself closing up when I'm talking people. I find myself making excuses like maybe I'll make good friends when we're back in the married ward or maybe when we go to family ward. I just really struggle moving beyond the "Hi, how are you? How was your week?" conversations, you know?
And it bothers me that I struggle so much to make friends. Bothers me that I don't have the courage to put what is needed into the relationships I already have with people to make them blossom into real friendships. I don't make the phone call to see if so and so wants to go for a walk to the park with Raymond and I. Don't invite so and so over for a sewing day, even though she's hinted that it would be fun. Don't get babysitters to do double dates or just have people over on a Friday night for a game night (goodness how I avoid asking people to babysit. That deserves a post of its own. So hard to do.) What is wrong with me? I just don't know. But all of those things are really hard and they scare me. Silly but true.
Anyhow, after talking it out (again) last night with Jeremy, I've determined (again) that I'm going to get over this. That I'm going to make friends with people. That it is (without sounding too melodramatic) essential for my salvation. I really do think it's that important (see here for example).
And I'm going to try really hard to do better at maintaining the friendships I already have with many of you. To let you know how much you mean to me.
(Which is a lot.)
13 comments:
Fox And The Hound!!!
I think you are a better friend than you realize. I believe we all feel the same way you do. I have found the older I get the easier it is. I am so grateful for the examples and friendships of the older ladies in our ward. I think those friendhips come from realizing the service and sacrafice they have made for you and the examples they have set. Thank goodness for V.T. and Church callings. They help us develop and embrace those friendships.
I have the same problem. I was actually thinking about doing a similar post. I can not get myself to get past the chit chat. But friends are important, so it's a good reminder to try a little harder!
how can someone not just love you the minute they meet you?! seriously i wish i lived in cedar city too and we would have a blast!! but i have to admit i have a hard time getting past chit chat too.. i don't know why. I have learned this past year that I'm fine with having lots of aquaintances as long as I have one really good friend. the one to call when you need a quick babysitter and they call you for the same or eggs or little things like that. Its nice knowing there is one person close by that needs you and you need them. I love you, girl!!
Friendships are hard. I never ever in my "younger" years imagined that I would ever feel like I have no friends, but when you're a mom it's hard to go and spend the time to develop a friendship where someone else gets to know about you. Not your kids, not you as a wife, but you as a person. I have only had a few close friends since becoming a mommy and most of them have moved far away. I agree though that I could certainly make more of an effort. I can't figure out why it's so hard as an adult to make friends. It never used to be an issue for me. Anyway, thanks for the little push. I will have to work on this too!
This is me too.
I've really been better since I married Bart who, as you can probably guess, is Mr. Social, but I hate to call people on the phone, I get antsy at the idea of having to make small talk, and so I just avoid it altogether. It's so much easier to just sit home and eat my cheese sandwich in front of the computer.
I really think some people just have a gift for making and keeping friends. Not that that's any excuse for those of us who don't have such a gift, but it really is a huge effort for me. Lovely post.
This is me too.
I've really been better since I married Bart who, as you can probably guess, is Mr. Social, but I hate to call people on the phone, I get antsy at the idea of having to make small talk, and so I just avoid it altogether. It's so much easier to just sit home and eat my cheese sandwich in front of the computer.
I really think some people just have a gift for making and keeping friends. Not that that's any excuse for those of us who don't have such a gift, but it really is a huge effort for me. Lovely post.
Carly, you had better know i love you too!!! I am so so grateful for your example to me!!! Such a great post too... not pity party at all! I love post like this cause it makes you resolve to be better! It made me want to be a better friend too!!! I am horrible at calling my friends and at really really letting them know that i love and cherish them so much. Also i dont know why sometimes in conversations i feel so akward that i just want to run!!! Anywho thank you for this... have i ever told you how i love your blog... I have a feeling when this little guy comes i am going to be referring to your blog a lot! Have a good day :) and you should probably kiss Raymonds cheeks one extra time today for me!!! Thanks :)
I know what you mean--being a friend, a good friend, takes so much risk--you have to be willing to reveal yourself at the risk of giving out too much information, etc. It's something I struggle with, too. I have realized that I used to rather be admired than truly liked, which is weird and sad. So I'm working on being genuine and better friends with others too. You're wonderful!!
Oh, Carly you are seriously not alone with this one. I think a lot of this feel this way. Ya, there are some poeple that are good friend makers and keepers, but a lot us aren't. For me it wasn't until I moved to this ward and vowed I would make friends and put myself out there and really TRY to make friends that I finally have good friends that I see and do things with lots. But, it is still hard to maintain things. The more kids you have the busier you get. BUT, I feel like I finally have friends that are still friends even with busy schedules and if we dont' see each other all the time. But, it is being willing to truly extend yourself. You are amazing. And I am not being bias. Not everyone is close friends with their sisters. I love you Carly Jane.
I struggle with friendship as well. But I think you're a very nice person and a unique one as well, and I know you love me even if you don't leave comments on my blog very often. HAHA
I feel like this post was written just for me. Ever since my sister and sister in laws moved to Texas I have really wanted a close friend. You know someone that you call your best friend. Someone that you could call on at any time.
I have a few girlfriends that are close but I feel like they already have that "best friend" in their life.
I guess I just miss the closeness of my sister and sil's.
I too need to do a little more for those around me. I love the feeling I get when I do something for someone just because.
Thanks for this post Carly it makes me want to be a better friend.
Great post, Carly! Your writing is very honest and open. One of my fears is being judged. I second-guess a lot of what I do because I am concerned with what other people will think about it or how it will be perceived. I am consistently having to remind myself to focus on what my original intention was and not to worry about the rest.
I agree with some of the other moms, it becomes more difficult to reach out when you are so consumed within the four walls of your home. But the easy way out is not usually the best answer. Good luck in your endeavors to open up, make phone calls, and reach out on a deeper level.
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