It's not about me anymore.

I've discovered an interesting thing about motherhood.  I've heard my whole life about how selfless mothers are... that I kind of subconsciously assumed it just happens. A magic switch is flipped in the "internal motivations" control panel and without thought or question or struggle, the "selfless" mode kicks on as soon as a baby shows up. Or even presumable as soon as she's "in a motherly way" (aka pregnant).

I'm learning it doesn't work that way.

Perhaps God has made women more susceptible to adopt selfless reflexes and motivations, but it's by no means a guarantee.  Of course (am I the only one slow to catch on to this??) it's a process. And a constant up and down struggle. Because it's by no means easy to love someone as much as or more than yourself. To remember that it's not about me anymore. To be selfless.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I just want to sleep in once" or "I just want to read my book even though it's not nap time for Raymond" or "I don't want to play with trucks right now." Not bad thoughts, per se, but more in the selfish category. Not the kind of thoughts I ever envisioned of a Mother (capital M)--the kind of Mother I want to envision myself as anyway.

Going along these lines, I've been thinking quite a bit about the talk Sister Beck gave in the last conference. A few key quotes keep resurfacing.  This one, for starters, never fails to catch my attention...

A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence.

In other words, the lure to be selfish. To think that what I want and what I need and what I find most comfortable and easy is of utmost importance. I find that it's fairly easy to justify selfish behavior all day long. To rationalize why I'm reading a book instead of playing with Raymond or starting dinner, for example. Of course there are days when I need to get things done, and I can't play all day with him. But the good motivations of some days often get jumbled with the selfish motivations of other days.

It's an uphill battle.

And yet it's a hill that I believe to be worth toiling up. When I think of the times in my life that I have been less selfish, I am always reminded that they are the times when I feel most fulfilled as a person. When I recognize most clearly my purpose and my potential and all of my weaknesses. And yet those glaring imperfections don't seem so daunting when I know they will be swallowed up in the greater whole of the good I am trying to do for someone else.

When I am least selfish is when I am most empowered.  It's funny how that works. Another paradox of the Gospel, I suppose.