A few thoughts on labor and delivery

Before getting pregnant the first time, I had never really given much thought to natural childbirth. My mom had epidurals. My sisters had epidurals. My mother-in-law wished she could have had the option of epidurals. In the back of my mind I assumed I would join the epidural club. It was pretty much a non-issue for me at that point.

But once I was pregnant and reading books on the subject and actually thinking about what I envisioned when I was in that L&D room, I knew pretty early on, that pain medication of that sort was not for me. I actually felt sick to my stomach when I thought about them putting that needle in my back. And I felt anxious and frustrated at the prospect of having so little control over what was going on. I literally had nightmares about it.

But I must say, this doesn’t change the way I feel about other people choosing to do an epidural. I have NO PROBLEM with other women deciding they want pain medication during labor and delivery. You have my respect and my support. I don’t think a natural childbirth is more honorable or any of that kind of junk. The important thing (for me) is that each woman has the experience she chooses to have. And, after all, what really matters is that mother and baby are alive, healthy, and well when all is said and done.

I see this as one of those intensely personal decisions.

I think it’s super important that the mother feels good about the choices she makes in labor and delivery. Some women go natural the first time, and have an epidural the second. Some do an epidural the first time, and go natural from there on out. Some women go one way and stick with it every time. Some women give birth in bathtubs or their own beds. Some women don’t have much choice and have to do a C-section.  And some women plan to get an epidural but are forced to go natural for one reason or another. (As far as I can tell that’s the absolute worst way to go natural.)

With my first baby, I didn’t tell anyone I was going to go natural (unless they asked) because I just did not want anyone (especially all those women in my family whom I admire and respect) to think I looked down on their choice in any way. And of those I did talk to about it, most of them were adamantly opposed to the idea. Even Jeremy took some time warming up (although he was 110% supportive as soon as he saw how important it was to me). I also didn’t want to deal with more criticism than I had to.

For the record: I gave birth in a hospital with a doctor. I don’t think I’ll ever even consider doing a water birth or a home birth. I am going to a midwife this time around, even though my last doctor was fantastic. But my midwife’s office is in the hospital, and I will again give birth in the hospital.

There are a few reasons why natural birth is important to me. They might not be important to you, and that’s ok. Or the cost just might outweigh the benefits for you. That’s ok too. Please don’t take anything I have to say as a judgment on you or your power to choose.

I like to be in control. And more than anything else, it is important to me to be in control of the things that I can control. I hate the idea that I might not be able to feel what is going on to my body during a crucial experience like giving birth. I’ve heard mothers who opted for an epidural describing birth as surreal or as feeling  detached. There is nothing I want to feel more attached or present for than one of my children entering mortality. I want to be part of it. I want to consciously channel those contractions to do what they are meant to do. I don’t want the doctor having to tell me when to push; I want to know with every fiber of my being that the time is now.

Before becoming pregnant I had never been to the hospital for myself. No stitches. No appendicitis. No broken bones. No nothing. I had not experienced much physical pain up to that point in my life. But there were a few things that made me confident that I would be able to handle the pain of labor and delivery. Most importantly, I have a testimony that women are made for this. It is part of our make up, our callings, our purpose. Our bodies instinctively know what to do. Yes, women throughout history have died from this process. Yet thousands and millions of others have not. They handled it. Eve, alone and without precedence, handled it. I knew (I knew), going in, I could handle it. I was mentally prepared for it.  The pain of labor isn’t arbitrary or pointless. I was confident that I could surrender to it and focus it.

I needed to prove to myself and to God what I am capable of.

And yes, indeed, it was long, it required endurance, and it was painful. I screamed (just once) when I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t scream. I wanted to despair when the process dragged on and my body stopped progressing. But I did not. I focused, I prayed, I held onto the hope of that little body meeting mortality.

For me, labor (the hours of contractions) was much easier (I use that term loosely) than I anticipated, and delivery (the hours of pushing) was much more difficult than I anticipated. The entire process sucked me dry. I was beyond exhausted and spent when my first sweet baby boy was placed in my arms. And yet I have never been more alert, aware, or present than at that moment.

It was beautiful and empowering and a testimony that “trailing clouds of glory did [he] come”.

Of course every mother can have such beautiful moments with their newly birthed babies no matter how or where that baby is born.  But I am grateful for the soul stretching experience I was given with my sweet boy. I am profoundly grateful for the things I learned during the process of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. And I look forward to the moment when my little girl will be placed in my arms.

 I know, I know, I'm only half way there. I'm just one of those crazy people who reads about and thinks about these things the whole 40 weeks, I guess.