--Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
This quote has been rumbling around in my brain for over a year now. Not that I think I am some great sufferer. But yes, we all suffer to varying degrees and for varying reasons--whether it be loss, loneliness, physical pain, emotional or mental distress, trying situations, lack of resources, and on. I have thought a lot about that fact that whether or not we are suffering really doesn't matter--it is inevitable and unavoidable. In short, suffering is why we are here. It is what we do with our suffering that matters; the way we let it change us for good. The hardest, for me, on Anne's list, is the willingness to remain vulnerable. I really struggle with opening myself up enough to really let others into my life. I am very good at building walls just thick enough to give the appearance of openness and the reality of protection. I have a self diagnosed guilt complex; I am a people pleaser. It is really hard for me to let people down or hurt them--both things that are simply part of relationships. It is hard to be vulnerable. I have had enough painful experiences teach me it means pain, disappointment, sometimes crying, and the ability to truly love (charity). All scary things! It is a constant battle for me to leave my heart really open--even for simple friendships.
With all that said, moving to Blanding has made me stretch in many ways. It has been (is) hard. But today I was reminded just how much the Lord loves me and is patient with my struggle to remain vulnerable. This week has been sort of an emotional roller coaster--going home, weddings and funerals, 30 hours in the car, jumping back into teaching, hard conversations with my students, physical and emotional exhaustion, etc. Needless to say, I was struggling this morning during sacrament meeting to keep myself from crying. As I was leaving the chapel Kd--the second counselor in the primary--put her arm around me and asked how I was doing. When my eyes filled up, so did hers and rather than making me feel silly for crying, she cried with me. It was small, but made me feel so much better. Then, after church and choir, Ann Bayles invited me over (again) for dinner. Only this time they had all their children and grandchildren in town (President's weekend). They let me "crash" their family dinner, singing around the piano, and a Sunday movie (Mrs. Harris goes to Paris... it was fabulous). I felt so at home and so loved there. Then, tonight, another girl from my ward just randomly showed up and visited. It was the first time someone other than my hometeacher (and wife, Ann) actually came in and sat down. I again felt so loved. It is hard for me to impose upon people, but I am so grateful these people imposed just enough on me to remind me to stay open. Only when we leave ourselves open are we able to really love others, and be loved in return.
Tonight my cup runneth over.
9 comments:
Interesting concept-staying vulnerable. I hadn't really thought about it, but it really is very challenging. There is so much to fear when you open yourself up to let others see inside. If they judge that negatively they are judging your actual self and soul. Scary. I have a hard time with that too. I try to be genuine and I am genuinely interested in others, but I am not necessarily comfortable with them being interested in me. :) I will continue to ponder.
PS-Your ward family sounds great. They really take care of you, huh?
I know exactly what you mean Carly. I have been pondering this same question, but not is quite as big of depth as you (so THANK YOU for your insight). It is SO HARD for me to make friends and to let them into my life. Saturday night I made spinach manicotti to cook on Sunday. I had my phone in my hand twice to call some friends to join us for dinner on Sunday and didn't end up making the call...then on Sunday Stanford easily invites them over for dinner and we had the most wonderful evening with them. Sometimes it's difficult to be open but when we are we receive great blessings. I'm glad others included you in their circle and made you feel loved. You are worth all the effort :).
I am so happy to hear your cup runneth over right now. So thankful to those wonderful people in Blanding that took you in this weekend or sat and cried with you to make you feel so much better. I want to cry just thinking about it. I am grateful Carly for you openness and honesty on this subject. We have had many a conversation on it and yet I love how you continue to stretch and grow and recognize it. Being open is very hard for me too and it is scary and I just loved the quote at the beginning of your post. I think I need to go copy and past and print it out for myself. I love you Carly Jane. Love you so much.
Oh Carly, I LOVE you! I understand what you mean about building walls that are just thick enough to provide protection but give the appearance of openness. I remember lying on my mom's bed and asking her tearfully if there would ever be a time when I could really love someone because I was terrified that I was too icy in my heart to let it really happy. It was so much easier to leave that area protected and go on with the easy surface relationships. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and am sooo glad you are my friend. I have nothing but fond memories of you. If anyone deserves to have a cup that runneth over it's you.
Yeah for people to cry with!! Those are my favorite kind (okay, I like the ones who feed me too). Keep your kindred spirit up, Carly Jane and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Carly,
This is Traci (Reed) Stanley. I just wanted to tell you that this is exactly what I needed to hear today. I've been struggling with some things including trying to break down some walls while things I'm dealing with are trying to build the walls back up. Thanks for the quote and insight. I really like what you said about leaving ourselves open so we can love others and be loved in return. You are Amazing!
Isn't it interesting how many of us struggle with being vulnerable. I just keep thinking it must be something we really need to learn if it is this hard. For me it is a back and forth battle--but moving upward for the most part. It is just very uphill work.
Thank you for all your love and encouragement.
I love that quote and also your thoughts on it. Because suffering hurts, a lot of people just wish it would go away. I know I often do, but I'm recently coming to recognize the opportunity to learn and grow when I am faced with challenges. I find that this understanding not only helps me overcome them more quickly and create more happy times, it will lets trials teach me instead of offering what feels like endless punishment. Thanks for sharing (and for your comment on my blog).
Keith,
You're welcome :). I often come back to this quote when I am in the thick of what feels like hopelessness or self pity or whatever. It is always good to have those things that keep you grounded, that keep your head clear.
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