my littles

Hello. While Tasha was in town two weeks ago, she graciously brought her camera. And in addition to doing the fabulous Photoshoot of Goldie, as seen in the previous post, she took quite a few shots of my other three, and of all of us together. 

(Rex had tripped down a concrete stair a few days before, poor fellow. Although some sort of bump or bruise is often on his face, so this seemed appropriate for photos)

(The three amigos. They are each other's best friends and worst enemies. Can't wait to see a little Goldie toddling around near them in the future.)

We love each other.

They kill me.

Truely, I can't get over the fact that I have four kids. Four very little kids (Raymond turned five this month). Being a mom to these little people is the most patience trying, soul stretching, faith testing, exhausting thing I've ever done. And I thought a mission was hard. 

To be honest, I'm still not the mom I thought I'd be or I want to be. I struggle with patience more than I ever imagined I would, or like to admit. I never knew it was even possible to get so seriously frustrated when lengthy amounts of ear-piercing screaming is involved (ahem, that would be Ginny). Or how badly I'd want to give in to things like screen time (I always thought we'd be a TV free home... And we definitely aren't. Raymond would watch 12 hours a day if I let him.) Some days just getting bed made is my big accomplishment (note: I always make the bed). Other days I feel capable of conquering the world... And I do!  

It's a roller coaster every single day. But I'm slowly learning to embrace the chaos and craziness and to let things just go. I'm trying sooooo hard to be the example of calm and quiet and kindness that I want to see more of from my kids. To still be the person I thought I was before every part of me was being tried so completely. And I'm trying to love the loud (laughter and screaming both) of having all these little people in my life. 

Because I love this little crowd of crazies sooooo much. I want so desperately for them to succeed, to create happiness, to be productive and able individuals. And I know so much depends on me teaching them how. It really depends on me showing them how. I'm working on it. 

Goldie Girl

When I was little Aunt Goldie (who was really my grandma's Aunt Goldie... Making her my great great Aunt Goldie!) was always present on Christmas. I have a distinct memory of sitting on her lap where she sat in my grandpa's favorite rocking chair. She wrapped her small arms around me and patted my freckled cheeks and told me I was darling. It's easy to love such a woman. 

My mom tells me her favorite color was pink. My grandma would give her a new pink blouse or sweater every year.  And that she and her four sisters all loved Aunt Goldie dearly. 

When we were brainstorming names for this little girl, I remembered Aunt Goldie. I don't think we even knew it was a girl yet when I first brought up the name Goldie. Jeremy immediately said he liked it. It's such an uncommon name, that though I liked it too, I never really thought we'd use it. 

In fact for months of the pregnancy I we were fairly set on a different name entirely. But I just never felt settled.  

2-3 weeks before her arrival I put three names on the chalkboard in our laundry room, hoping one would surface for me. Everyday I would pick a different one as my current favorite. I just couldn't settle! This was new for us. Our three previous babies all had a name picked for at least a few months before birth. 

In fact once I finally settled on Goldie Jane, I refused to tell anyone for fear it would change again! On the way to the birth center even Jeremy had to ask to be sure it was Goldie. After all, I'd only been settled on it for about a week. 

And now I really just can't get over how much I love her name. Considering how hard a time I had feeling settled, it still surprises me 1. That this is what we chose, and 2. That I love it as much as I do!

I love that it is associated with gold. She is my little golden girl. My sunshine. My precious treasure and priceless gift. I love that the newest young women value, virtue, is the color gold. I hope she is always an embodiment if virtue snd goodness. A little angel of a girl. 

And judging by her sweet temperament and her dazzling smile she so quickly bestows, I think she's well on her way to living up to her name. 

Jane Eyre

For the past few years if someone asked, I would claim Jane Eyre as my favorite book. I love it so much, it's one I aim to read again and again my entire life. Every few years like clockwork. Not because I think the plot is riveting (once you know who is in the attic, the plot twist loses it's mystery). Not because it is a literary masterpiece and the English major/teacher in me is repeatedly dissecting literary themes. 

I love Jane Eyre because of Jane. 

For me, she is one of the greatest female protagonists of all time. She is so real, her struggle so human. She is so good. Her effort for integrity and purity inspiring. 

I love her. I want to live up to her ideals. To be passionate for truth and goodness as she is. To be as devoted to what I believe and who I love as she is. 

In fact, I can't stand any film version of this book that I've seen simply because all those modern film directors and actors seem to always get Jane's character all wrong. Everytime. They leach from the story her moral drive, her willingness to endure what is (in her quiet devoted life) complete devistation for what she knows is right. Her willingness to sacrifice everything, everything, she loves, hopes for, longs for, and could have because she refuses to become Mr. Rochester's mistress. In fact, she turns her back on society, the man she loves, and her home all to keep her self respect.

She is hard working, patient, devoted, loving, faithful, and good. Good.  

And while she is fictional, I love that my middle name is her name. Falling back into her story every few years reminds me to be better. To be more content with quiet devotion. To be more passionate about the people and things I love. 

Snappity snap

Yesterday was a rough day. I didn't get enough sleep the night before and as a result was easily irritated by silly things. And from there it's a downward spiral everytime. Because almost without fail, my kids' moods reflect my mood. 

You know what I'm talking about, right? 

If I snap at them, they snap at each other, and then I snap at them again... And before you know it at least two kids are yelling at the top of their lungs and/or crying. In addition to little hands and feet being used to attack each other's faces. It can go from calm and cool to crazy quickly. And I pretty much want to tear my hair out. Good times.

Until, of course, I snap out of it. 

It usually takes me stepping back, taking a deep breath, and using a calm, kind voice to alleviate the tension. 

After the fact, I often wonder why it can take me so long to make the switch. I know it has to be me. But I let the chaos get the better of me too often and for too long. 

But knowing is half the battle, right? 

Five things:

1. Rex has the most darling face. Sometimes I just can't get over how darling and sweet and funny he is. This might just be my favorite stage. 

2. Pretty much my life feels out of control.  But I'm coming to terms with it. Learning to embrace it, even. The other day I made a list of the things I CAN control. It felt like a pretty short list.  But, in fact, it was much longer than I expected. I might not be able to always control how clean my house is or how we'll behaved my children are, but it's nice to remember that I can always control the way I react. (Even when I'm sleep deprived.)

3. I have four children. And I have for two months now. It is still shocking, even to me, sometimes. I just can't get over that these four little lives are forever attached to my own. It's a wild ride, but I wouldn't get off for anything. 

4. The newest of those four little people is named Goldie. Every single day since she was born I have re-fallen in love with her name (and with the girl herself, of course). I hope that someday she loves her name as much as I do. Because I love it. 

5. I want to work on my writing skills again. Fingers crossed. 

Rex inspecting a car. 23 months.