CTR

For the last few days I find myself absent-mindedly fingering my right hand ring finger. It's uncomfortably bare.

I don't exactly remember when I got my CTR ring, but sometime during high school. I must have been fifteen or sixteen. I first wore it on my wedding-ring finger, not really caring that it might confuse some poor soul who was trying to see if I was married or not. I was in high school anyway.

But when I got to BYU a few years later, I realized it really could confuse someone, and moved it to my right hand. There it has kept house for ten years. Battered, bent out of shape, and endlessly dirty, I love that ring.

In high school it was a conversation starter. People didn't always know what it was or what it stood for. On my mission, it was my "bell ringer." Most people had wrought iron gates, railings, or window coverings in Honduras, and my handy ring was the perfect thing "clang, clang, clang" out our presence. That ring has knocked on many a door.

We've been through a lot together, that ring and I. It fits (more of less) on every single finger of my two hands (but my right thumb), although most comfortably in the slight indent of my right ring finger where I often find myself fingering it.

But somehow, somewhere, I lost it on Saturday.

It's been getting progressively looser lately, sliding around more than it should and flying off my hand while moving the laundry or doing the dishes. I kept telling myself I should retire it soas to not lose it. But what's the point of a ring like that if it's hidden away in a box somewhere? It would lose it's relevance.

But I wanted to record the sentiment of that ring somewhere where I would remember it. I'm sure I'll wear other rings in the future, probably nicer and less old-school CTR rings will make their way to my hands, but I really loved that one. Please forgive me for being so sentimental about it.

To Teach

My favorite job of all time was teaching at the MTC. That's not to say that I didn't love being a high school English teacher (because I did). Or love wearing the little black and white dress and handing out samples at See's Candies (oh the good times!). I've had some dang good jobs in my life.

But at the MTC, I was in my element. That place is hallowed ground to me. Sometimes I think teaching is in my blood, in my very make-up. Especially when I am teaching the Gospel. Especially when the people I am teaching want to be there. (a beautiful combination that is more of than not found at the MTC). I don't know how to describe what happens to me when I stand up in a setting like that. It's like I'm a different person. A new person. Alive and awake and powerful. But not worldly powerful, spiritually powerful.

I don't know if I'm making any sense.

But I do know that I love to teach. It is fulfilling, empowering, enlightening. It feels oh so right and oh so good. It makes me happy on every single level. I love to teach. And more than anything else,  I love to teach the Gospel. I love to slowly and carefully lead and guide and create a new vision of who and what we can be. Asking questions, sharing experiences, teaching.

So yesterday when I got up in front of the Relief Society to teach, for the first time as the newest called RS teaching in my ward, it was like going home. I wanted to cry or dance or ask if I could do it again next Sunday. It made me so happy. I'm sure I was grinning from ear to ear like a two year old with a popsicle. It made me so happy.

I hadn't realized just how much I had missed it. It's been a long time since I taught in a setting like that. Too long. I didn't realize how hungry I was for it. I lapped up every single second. I guess, if I could choose my calling for the rest of my life, I might just ask to be the Relief Society Forth Sunday Instructor. Do you think they would let me?

The Master (law school) List

I still remember the first time Jeremy and I sat down (on our sweet built-in couches of the old apartment) and began researching law schools. Hard to believe that wasn't quite two years ago... since it now feels like we've always known which were the top choice schools.

At the same time, this list has grown, shunk, evolved, and adapted many times over these last two years. And yet, since that first perusal many moons ago, the University of Virginia is still at the top of our list. Reality, however, of J's final LSAT score (which came yesterday and was happy), GPA, and everything else, has demanded that a few other schools be added to the list. That, and the fact that there are SO many factors that will ultimately contribute to where we end up going.

Because Jeremy wants to be an appellate lawyer, many of these schools has an appellate clinic (in which students who participate would be able to do hands on appellate work... some at the Supreme Court level). Generally, the higher the ranking of the school, the better the clinics and programs, and better the opportunity to get a judicial clerkship (another stepping stone to becoming a successful appellate lawyer). Other key factors for us include cost, proximity to family, and proximity to a temple. I also tend to like the schools in small towns. But regardless of the specific reason, the good news is, every single school on this list has a good reason for being there. I feel good about that.

According to the Law School Predictor (an online program that allows you to plug in your stats, and then gives surprisingly accurate statistics of your probability of getting into each of the top 100 schools), we know that our chances of getting into our top (TOP) schools are low, thus we also have included a wide range of schools where we stand a fair chance and schools that are a shew in. Better safe than sorry, right?

Anyhow, without further ado, here is the list of schools (listed according to our probability of acceptance on Law School Predictor) to which we plan to apply (starting, for some, as early as next Thursday):

Rank #	Name	Location	LSP Indicator
1	Yale	New Haven, CT	(<25%)
10	UVA	Charlotesville,	(<25%)
11	Duke	Durham, NC	(<25%)
15	Texas	Austin, TX	(25%-37%)
19	WUSL	St. Louis	(38-62%)
28	W&M	Williamsburg, VA	(38-62%)
42	BYU	Provo, UT	(38-62%)
42	George M	Arlington, VA	(38-62%)
38	ASU	Tempe, AZ	(63-75%)
38	Wake Forest	Winston-Salem, NC	(63-75%)
42	Arizona	Tucson, AZ	(63-75%)
42	Utah	SLC, UT	(63-75%)
52	Pepperdine	Malibu, CA	(63-75%)
64	Baylor	Waco, TX	(63-75%)
48	American	DC	(>75%)
56	USD	San Diego	(>75%)
78	UNLV	Las Vegas	(>75%)

It's not about me anymore.

I've discovered an interesting thing about motherhood.  I've heard my whole life about how selfless mothers are... that I kind of subconsciously assumed it just happens. A magic switch is flipped in the "internal motivations" control panel and without thought or question or struggle, the "selfless" mode kicks on as soon as a baby shows up. Or even presumable as soon as she's "in a motherly way" (aka pregnant).

I'm learning it doesn't work that way.

Perhaps God has made women more susceptible to adopt selfless reflexes and motivations, but it's by no means a guarantee.  Of course (am I the only one slow to catch on to this??) it's a process. And a constant up and down struggle. Because it's by no means easy to love someone as much as or more than yourself. To remember that it's not about me anymore. To be selfless.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I just want to sleep in once" or "I just want to read my book even though it's not nap time for Raymond" or "I don't want to play with trucks right now." Not bad thoughts, per se, but more in the selfish category. Not the kind of thoughts I ever envisioned of a Mother (capital M)--the kind of Mother I want to envision myself as anyway.

Going along these lines, I've been thinking quite a bit about the talk Sister Beck gave in the last conference. A few key quotes keep resurfacing.  This one, for starters, never fails to catch my attention...

A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence.

In other words, the lure to be selfish. To think that what I want and what I need and what I find most comfortable and easy is of utmost importance. I find that it's fairly easy to justify selfish behavior all day long. To rationalize why I'm reading a book instead of playing with Raymond or starting dinner, for example. Of course there are days when I need to get things done, and I can't play all day with him. But the good motivations of some days often get jumbled with the selfish motivations of other days.

It's an uphill battle.

And yet it's a hill that I believe to be worth toiling up. When I think of the times in my life that I have been less selfish, I am always reminded that they are the times when I feel most fulfilled as a person. When I recognize most clearly my purpose and my potential and all of my weaknesses. And yet those glaring imperfections don't seem so daunting when I know they will be swallowed up in the greater whole of the good I am trying to do for someone else.

When I am least selfish is when I am most empowered.  It's funny how that works. Another paradox of the Gospel, I suppose.

I feel like a responsible citizen today

because I voted for the first time in over two years.

(Don't judge, please.)

Yup, that means I missed the last presidential election (because I didn't get my addressed changed and registered in time. Lame, I know, by my work schedule kept getting in the way). I determined it would never happen again.

Anyhow, the last time I voted was in Blanding, and the time before that was before my mission (haha, yeah, I might have missed the last two presidential elections... please continue to not judge.)

Anyhow, today we went and voted for the Primary Senate elections. We're Mike Lee fans at this house (big time). If you live in Utah (or is it the Senate Primaries everywhere?), I suggest you get yourself one of those shnazzy stickers that says "I voted today" and feel good about that fact that your voice is heard.

I sure feel good about wearing that little sticker. It almost makes up for my past voter history.

Go Mike.

The art of being on time

As a little girl I remember being one of the first families to enter the chapel on Sunday morning. We left for church twenty five minutes early... and if we didn't, my mom was in a panic saying, "we're late! We're late!" Needless to say, my mom does not like to be late to anything. She subconsciously taught us that it's rude and inconsiderate to not be at least five minutes early to an event.

So I guess you could say that it's an ingrained habit of mine to be on time. I like to get to a play or concert at least fifteen minutes early. Church is the same.

Now, I don't always have to be early, but if I'm invited to someone's house, I make a point of coming on the dot. It frustrates me when I have two things back to back and I end up late to the second thing. Or if I tell a babysitter I'll be back by a certain time and then I can't be, I'm not only intensely embarrassed, I'm a wreck.

On my mission, I had a strong testimony that I needed to obey the rules about time (when we got up, left the house, came home at night). Because the streets of Honduras are dangerous (and dark) at night, sisters had to be in there apartments by eight o'clock every night. I knew my daily safety depended upon my obedience to this rule. I would literally apologize to my district or zone leaders and repent if we got home even a few minutes past eight.

I walked three fourths of a mile to and from work (for a split shift, so twice a day) at the last job I had. If I knew I was going to be more than two or three minutes late, I would call and apologize and give warning of my tardiness. I only called three or four times in nine months of working there.

Come wind, rain, or snow, I like to be on time.

As soon as I know what time I need to be somewhere, I calculate how long it will take me to get there, and how early I need to be. In short, I figure out, as best I can, what time I need to leave the house--usually with at least a few minutes of grace in case there is traffic or some other unforeseeable road block.

For example: Church starts at nine o'clock. I like to be in my seat no later than ten till. Adding in the time it takes to load Raymond in the carseat, adjust the mirror, drive to the church (going the speed limit), and unload Raymond upon arrival, I know I need to be walking out my front door at eight thirty five. This still gives me a few minutes for red lights, walking into the chapel, etc. This gives me time to not feel at all rushed (I hate that feeling).

So when I'm getting ready in the morning, the fact that church starts at nine o'clock is totally irrelevant to me. The only time that means anything is eight thirty five. The time I need to leave my house.  If I am not walking out the door by that time, I'm in that panic mode I remember so clearly from my mom growing up. I'm screaming in my head, "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!"

Even though I will probably still get there well before nine o'clock.

Five things that are making me happy

Life is so good, I tell you! It's been a good week (despite the rough weekend). Here are a handful of reasons why...

1. Everyday this week is in the low 80s. That's pretty much perfect in my book. Plus the breeze (not yesterday's wind) has been a nice cooling touch.
2. Today we are going to watch the Argentina v _____ (I don't even know) World Cup game today at my sister-in-law's house. I really like watching soccer. Jeremy really likes Argentina. We both really like Nick and Jeanine (and their cute kiddos). Fun is definitely in the making.
3. My cute Raymond has been all smiles lately. His little face is thinning out and he's just looking older to me... and I love every second of it. I've figured out the trick to keeping his temper tantrums a bay lately too... which makes for a happier home :).
4. Jeremy got to go to a Utah Senator's Election Debate last night (have I mentioned he's a mite interested in politics??) and talk with Mike Lee (his candidate of choice, also the son of Rex E. Lee) for a few minutes after... and he gave Jeremy his phone number with instructions to call him once he started applying to Law Schools (which is right around the corner). Jeremy came home excited and happy. I love seeing him happy.
5. I've actually been (somewhat) productive in the last week. I worked on Christmas presents on one night. I made a tiny new cloth diaper for new baby Christiansen (and have more in the works), and I've read a few handfuls of books.  Ah it feels good to get things done.

I'm one happy girl, I tell you. I just love this stage of life we are in. It has it's ups and downs, but it's such a good place to be.

I finally bought otter pops

on the day it rained and was cold. Go figure. After a week of 90+ heat and serious efforts to not turn on the meager (and expensive) air conditioning units in our apartment, Wal-Mart brand otter pops (SO much bigger and better than the name brand) were at the TOP of my grocery list. And you know, despite the pitter-patter on my windshield on the way to the store, I still bought them. Oh heaven in a little plastic container.

In fact, I'm eating one right now. At 8:21 in the morning.

And you know, it's a good thing I did because yesterday "morning sickness" came back on with a vengeance fearful to behold.  I was grateful for the little bits of sugar-water that managed to stay in my system.

And for a husband who was willing to do ALL the (many) dishes and play with Raymond and cut the tops off my otter pops.

He's a good man, I tell ya.

The Birthday Boy

Well, it just must be your lucky week... two picture posts in a row. Granted these pictures won't be as good as the last ones, but they were taken with love for our little fellow, and that's all the counts, right?

I have a hard time believing Raymond John (RayJ, Monkey, Sunshine Boy, Bean) has been around a whole year. At the same time, I can't imagine life without him. He really is such a happy boy. Especially if he's had a good night's sleep and a nap. Especially if he's been eating watermelon. Or cake. Or strawberries. And most of all if there are lots of people around. He loves to be around people.

We started off the morning just the way any Birthday morning should be started: with presents.  Too bad the first present (a ball) was so entertaining and all-absorbing that it took some serious effort to get him to pay attention to anything else. Oh wait, until some of these other presents got themselves out of their paper. Oh yes, there has been some fun playing around here!

(Note the darling birthday hat from Aunt Tasha. Seriously so cute. And the 1 is velcroed on, and came with a 2 and 3 from coming years. Love it.)

He sure loves his new truck push toy from Grandma and Grandpa T. I wish I had gotten a picture of his face while pushing (but man, he goes fast!)... because he has the biggest grin. Every time he found it anew during the day, that grin would show up again.

Here is the new Pirate doll I made him. Arrr matey! He actually liked it enough that he dropped the ball to hold it when it was unwrapped! That's happy.

Here is the new Birthday Banner I made for the occasion. I ended up giving the last one to Paige (long story)... and am happy with the new version.

Mmmm... Banana cake.

All in all, it has been just about the most perfect day. Raymond has been happy all day. He got waffles (his favorite) for breakfast along with Strawberry Puffs (from Aunt Tasha... great idea! He's eaten half the container today!). We played all day, went to Wal-mart to spend some of the money Grandmas sent (always fun!), had cake with Nick, Jeanine, and Sadie, and ended the day at the park. Really, it couldn't have been better. Now that sweet boy is tucked in his bed dreaming away. I sure do love him.

Blanding, Birthdays, and a Baby Blessing

(All pictures taken (stolen?) from Jackie. Seriously so great.)

Did I mention we bought a minivan? Yep. We went from a (super small and squishy) hatchback to a minivan. Let me tell you, the difference it palpable. Wow. Talk about leg room. So needless to say, we were excited to try out the new (to us) van on a trip to Blanding this last weekend. And let me tell you, it was a party.

Five of the seven siblings were able to be there, which meant there was plenty of chaos to go around. Saturday's big event was a Birthday Bash for Raymond (who turns one tomorrow) 

 

and Chloe (who turned one yesterday).

Cansas made some darling Cookie Monster cupcakes

And Debbie made it a kid friendly party with some to-die-for homemade mac and cheese, corn on the cob, watermelon, and party hats for everyone. Raymond ate (devoured?) his whole cupcake minus the marshmallows.

But the real star of the weekend was this sweet fellow:

Meet Mr. Hudson Cole (it was my first time meeting him! I could have gobbled him up). He officially had his name put on the records of the church...

Jackie (Hud's mom, Jeremy's sister) sure does know how to keep her guests happy. The weather was ideal and the food table contained grilled chicken and pork kabobs, strawberries, pineapple, mangoes, grapes, veggies, shrimp, rolls, and Debbie's divine key-lime-with-mango-frosting cupcakes. Wowsa.

Since Raymond had liked his Cookie Monster cupcake so much, I decided to see if he could handle the key lime...

I think he's still trying to recover from the sugar rush (particularly since I try really hard to not give him much sugar most the time. He was in heaven.) Tomorrow's birthday agenda includes Grandma Ts famous banana cake with cream cheese frosting... I'm hoping he likes it as much as the cupcakes from last weekend!

All in all, it was a wonderful little weekend getaway. We sure do love Blanding.

Happiness

Last night I lay on my back on my bed and felt with my hand down low around my pelvis, and sure enough there was a little round ball under my cupped hand. A few seconds later the braxton hicks subsided.

I think she's a girl; although, I was pretty sure Raymond was a girl too.  Only time will tell.

I feel like I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions with this pregnancy. Nervous at what other people would say about us having another so soon. Anxious that Raymond will handle becoming a big brother selflessly. Excited to already be blessed with another sweet baby to love and cuddle and call my own. Calm and sure that this is God's plan and will and desire for our family.  Uneasy that there could be complications--a feeling I didn't have with Raymond. Happy that Raymond will get another playfellow. Eager to find out what the gender will be and to organize and prepare. Tired and sick--particularly when I don't eat often enough.

But the overriding emotions are happy and calm.

The first weeks and months of pregnancy are hard because it still seems so surreal and mostly all you feel is hungry and nauseous all at the same time.  But at the same time it has felt very very real. We are having another baby. A tiny little newborn who doesn't sleep through the night, but rather sleeps all the day long. A little person with personality and potential. A new dimension to our family.  In a blessing Jeremy recently gave me (in the middle of a particularly hard night) he reminded me that ultimately the Lord is in charge and His will will be done. And--my favorite line--that I will find happiness in it.

I love pondering upon that happiness. The happiness the Lord has in store for me... in the gift of a tiny new baby.


Due Date: December 7th, 2010.
Today: I am 13 weeks along.