Happiness

Last night I lay on my back on my bed and felt with my hand down low around my pelvis, and sure enough there was a little round ball under my cupped hand. A few seconds later the braxton hicks subsided.

I think she's a girl; although, I was pretty sure Raymond was a girl too.  Only time will tell.

I feel like I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions with this pregnancy. Nervous at what other people would say about us having another so soon. Anxious that Raymond will handle becoming a big brother selflessly. Excited to already be blessed with another sweet baby to love and cuddle and call my own. Calm and sure that this is God's plan and will and desire for our family.  Uneasy that there could be complications--a feeling I didn't have with Raymond. Happy that Raymond will get another playfellow. Eager to find out what the gender will be and to organize and prepare. Tired and sick--particularly when I don't eat often enough.

But the overriding emotions are happy and calm.

The first weeks and months of pregnancy are hard because it still seems so surreal and mostly all you feel is hungry and nauseous all at the same time.  But at the same time it has felt very very real. We are having another baby. A tiny little newborn who doesn't sleep through the night, but rather sleeps all the day long. A little person with personality and potential. A new dimension to our family.  In a blessing Jeremy recently gave me (in the middle of a particularly hard night) he reminded me that ultimately the Lord is in charge and His will will be done. And--my favorite line--that I will find happiness in it.

I love pondering upon that happiness. The happiness the Lord has in store for me... in the gift of a tiny new baby.


Due Date: December 7th, 2010.
Today: I am 13 weeks along.