For me, anticipation is half the adventure. If I am going on a trip, I look forward to it for weeks and weeks, getting more and more exciting for the pending fun. The same, unfortunately is true for things I am not as excited about. My anticipation, anxiety, nervousness, fear, or even dread will build and build and build until the moment arrives when all will be played out. Mysteriously I am usually calm as a cucumber when I finally stand up to give that talk or teach that first singing time or make that phone call. It is the waiting and anticipation that is killer.
Last night I woke up twice with a bad dream in which my first Upward Bound classes went horribly. The students were disrespectful and laughed at me. I spent all my time disciplining them into silence and then forcing work upon them while they rolled their eyes and passed notes under the table. After my imaginary first day, I slumped to my seat and hung my head in shame. I woke up with my heart pounding.
Yes I have been teaching all year long, but not these kids, not these books, and not Spanish. So I was nervous, unsure, insecure in my abilities to do well. It was the fear of the unknown.
I was again remarkably calm when the hour arrived this morning (at 9:25am). I tried my best to shake them awake and get them excited about what we were reading or writing or saying (in Spanish). And they were a good little bunch of kids. They did whatever I asked of them and took notes in their notebooks. They stared at me with wide eyes as I spoke and explained things to them in Spanish, pantomiming what I wanted them to do or understand. But it was hard. And I didn't feel as prepared as I should have (or could have) been. I am nervous again for tomorrow. But such is the way it goes, isn't it? The first few days are always uncomfortable and the following days and weeks seems to fall into place. I just wonder, will it ever not be hard at the beginning?
8 comments:
I'm sure it will always be hard in the beginning. I guess it's what makes us appreciate the later stages. I don't like awkward and uncomfortable moments and I've had plenty in the last week to last a lifetime. Today was no exception and I'm just plain tired. You feeling the same way? Tired? You are great though and don't forget it.
Sara: Yeah, I came home and fell asleep for over an hour... slept right through my alarm and missed the temple session I was going to go to! I hope your life gets way less awkward soon.
I am going to guess it is always a little stressful at the beginning. Probably because you just never know exactly what you do face. But, I love that by the time the moment arrives you are calm. That is definatly a great blessing. Good luck as you face your students today. I am sure you will get less stressed each day and it will go better and better. . . and this month of teaching will just zip by.
I'm the same way about anticipating events - fun and stressful ones alike.
Good luck!
I always hate the first week at a new job. Even if it's super simple I get so nervous and feel so incompetent. I'm sure you'll find your groove in the next couple days. Good luck!
i want to be in your spanish class! i wish i spoke better!
Hey Carly! I thought I'd leave a comment and say hello! It was good to meet you this weekend - hope we didn't freeze you out four-wheeling! :)
Aunt Barbara gave me a paperweight when I graduated with my masters that says, "Most things are difficult before they become easy!" I use that alot in my teaching throughout the year when the students think a song is too hard. But I say it to myself alot too. Hang in there and it will get easy.
Love, Aunt Betsy
Post a Comment